Beef N’ Briefs

As long as there are horny men and sexy underwear, we don’t need to wait until December to don our gay apparel.
February 13, 2014

Colt Commercial: Luke Adams in Beef N’ Briefs; Colt, 1-800-445-2658, ColtStudioGroup.com

ROD: 3.5/4 Splats
MANUEL: 3/4 Splats

ROD: Can I get directions to this magical Colt forest where everyone who enters gets laid?

MANUEL: Magical forest? I thought it was an underwear showroom with trees. Beef N’ Briefs isn’t so much gay porn as it is an extended outdoor commercial for Colt undergear.

ROD: I love that Colt is so shameless about product placement. Then again, if I’m going to stare at Luke Adams’ perfect ass, why not frame it in the all-new Colt Collection Jock Brief? Adams starts off on the ground in a straddle split, stretching and showing off how wide he can spread his legs. Is it any wonder Ray Han wants to join him?

MANUEL: I kept expecting to hear a voiceover say, “Luke is wearing the ass-less Jock Brief in white. Made of cotton spandex for a super comfortable fit and stretch, it’s perfect for the gym or every day...and just $24.95!” Adams is young and handsome, and his beautiful ass perfectly shows off the merchandise. And vice versa. I was bummed the Colt website’s Apparel page didn’t have an “Add to Cart” option for the star’s booty.

ROD: After watching Bob Hager and Damien Stone get busy, I’ve decided the best part about camping in the woods is pitching a tent. These two burly he-men trade blowjobs and rimjobs, and then fuck without ever taking off their boots.

MANUEL: All six of these scenes—three without any penetration—are pretty much by-the-numbers. But if you like beefy, white, hairy, lumberjack-y guys, each of these nine men is true to the Colt type, with the possible exception of smooth, beardless John Magnum.

ROD: Magnum and Ray Han meet up in the park and Han can’t get enough of Magnum’s muscular bubble butt. These two don’t fuck, but they both shoot as Han is lapping at Magnum’s ass. What a way to go—or come!

MANUEL: I loved watching Han kneel on the grass and service Magnum as he sat back on that park bench. The hottest part was Magnum scooting forward and sitting his hole directly on Han’s mouth as Han lay on his back on the grass. No wonder it’s called a “park” bench: you can sit there and park your ass on someone’s face!

ROD: With Sebastian Rossi and buff ’n’ furry Dirk Caber, it’s just blowjobs and beating off. But there are plenty of Colt briefs to go with the beef! All this gear and ass are perfect for someone with a jockstrap fetish—like me! Caber returns later with swarthy Latino Tony Orion for some fireside flip-fucking.

MANUEL: After digging out Caber’s cavity doggie-style with his hard, brown, uncut tool, Orion assumes the bottom position and gets the cum fucked out of him. Caber’s money shot spews like toothpaste squirting from the tube and lands in an ultra-brite puddle on Orion’s torso.

ROD: All this rustic fucking in jockstraps and briefs has taught me one lesson: If you want to get laid when you’re in the woods, be sure you’re wearing Colt underwear!