To Die For Tano

Gym, Tan, Laundry - Ciccio Guarino in To Die For Tano
 
Time Investment: 75 min.
Return on Investment: 3 min.
 
You might think that To Die for Tano (Leisure Time Features) is in some way relevant to fans of classic Mafia movies, but you’d be mistaken. That it should even be considered a film is debatable; it’s more like watching Italian public- access television, but in a bad way. This so-called satire of the Sicilian Mafia, and by extension the crime dramas we’ve come to love since the ’70s, never manages to get much further than lowbrow slapstick and over-the-top high jinks. What got me in the seat was the fact that the film was shot right in the heart of Sicily, with many people who may or may not be involved in the actual Mafia, but upon viewing, any authenticity (or picturesque scenery) is dashed by the extremely shoddy production values. Nonetheless, it is sometimes refreshing to see non-actors partake in the action, and the scene in the hair salon with various Italian women—each a sight of hairy realness more glorious than her neighbor—was the lone smirk-inducing moment. The only work of real worth here is the music video within the film for “Tano’s Rap,” which is catchy and gleefully ridiculous. Somehow, Tano was also branded as a homoerotic film, commenting on the hazing that goes on when recruiting for the Mafia. If a few shaggy, sketchy-looking guys dancing in dresses and rubbing their noses together is terribly erotic then, okay, this is a homoerotic film. But not in my book!